Sometimes I feel like my existence is so completely pointless, like I’ve done nothing for myself or anyone else, like I won’t ever be of any worth, like I’m just standing in the background, filling in an empty space because no one else can.

Right now is one of those times.

I was over at my mom’s house today, and I noticed that there was only two pictures of me in the entire house while there are so many of everyone else. In the siblings picture at my big sister’s wedding, you can’t even see me. My mom, my older sister, my younger siblings all say so much about me — I criticize everything, I’m mean, etc. Yeah, I do, but in a joking manner to hide my true feelings.

I feel like such an outcast. I’ve never been of any importance. None of them have ever made time for me or invited me to family gatherings or even bothered to ask how I am. They don’t know a single thing about me, because they shove me aside whenever they can.

Even my grandparents do it, and my friends.

I’m pointless.

I’m worthless.

I’m disposable.

I wish I could tell them how lonely I am, how exhausted, and frustrated. How sad. How depressed. How hopeless everything feels right now. No matter how good I seem for any length of time, it somehow always returns to this.

I want it to stop, and I don’t know what to do. Do I keep cracking the jokes and ignoring the things they say? Do I quit trying to hide what I’m feeling? Do I tell them? Do I keep quiet? Do I bother going on? I don’t know.

I just don’t know.

I’m scared.

Well, here I am! A new member to Word Press. I am a very average person, but not your average girl.

I grew up with five brothers, two sisters, half a million cousins, a few too many pets, a bipolar mom, and an alcoholic stepdad. And as a result, I’m either completely screwed up or a twenty year old girl who had a short childhood; it depends on who you ask.

Either way, I am what I am.

It has been a long, chaotic journey to come to that acceptance, but what am I exactly?

Let’s see. I’m a coffee addict. I’m a music lover. I’m an American, a stubborn Midwestern girl. I am a bad dancer, a night owl, an occasional writer. I’m a dreamer, an explorer, a Believer. Most of all, I’m a nerd.

That is something I’ve always known: I first read Harry Potter when I was six, Lord of the Rings when I was eight, I used to secretly watch Star Wars. So, yes, I’m a nerd. However, in the past year, I’ve discovered exactly how nerdy I am.

I’m a Browncoat, Imperialist, a Whovian, a Potterhead, I’m a Hobbit (who happens to be 5’9”… Okay, so I’m a descendant of Pippin), I will fight under the direwolf sigil, and hunt aliens for Torchwood. I’ll blush at the mention of Batman, and sleep on my Avengers pillow every night.

I am on an unexpected journey… To finding myself. And I also happen to be counting down the days until The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey premieres. It’s 106 in case you were wondering.

And so here I am! I will be out of control, dance on tables, play in the rain and jump in the puddles afterward; I will drink too much coffee, stay up all night, and play my music too loud. I will drive with the windows down, cuss like a sailor, I vow to make scifi references regularly and to write without harpooning beloved characters through the chest (I commend you if you understood that).
May the Force be with you. Live long and prosper. Stay shiny.