Sometimes I feel like my existence is so completely pointless, like I’ve done nothing for myself or anyone else, like I won’t ever be of any worth, like I’m just standing in the background, filling in an empty space because no one else can.
Right now is one of those times.
I was over at my mom’s house today, and I noticed that there was only two pictures of me in the entire house while there are so many of everyone else. In the siblings picture at my big sister’s wedding, you can’t even see me. My mom, my older sister, my younger siblings all say so much about me — I criticize everything, I’m mean, etc. Yeah, I do, but in a joking manner to hide my true feelings.
I feel like such an outcast. I’ve never been of any importance. None of them have ever made time for me or invited me to family gatherings or even bothered to ask how I am. They don’t know a single thing about me, because they shove me aside whenever they can.
Even my grandparents do it, and my friends.
I wish I could tell them how lonely I am, how exhausted, and frustrated. How sad. How depressed. How hopeless everything feels right now. No matter how good I seem for any length of time, it somehow always returns to this.
I want it to stop, and I don’t know what to do. Do I keep cracking the jokes and ignoring the things they say? Do I quit trying to hide what I’m feeling? Do I tell them? Do I keep quiet? Do I bother going on? I don’t know.
I just don’t know.